The gorge-yourself-until-you’re-happily-uncomfortable season officially begins tonight (although last weekend was a doozie)! Halloween is the one time you get to play your alter ego and get rewarded for it in candy and booze. And while I’m sadly far past the age of door-to-door begging, I was offended to learn that some cities are actually making it illegal for kids over a certain age to trick-or-treat. A lot of the reasoning for the trick-or-treating age laws is based on the fact that teenagers dressed in little kid costumes are a bit spooky–and the “I’m a sexy (insert inanimate object here” trend has spiraled out of control. No one wants to see they’re neighbors’ kid walking around as a Sexy Hamburger.
My favorite rationale came from the mayor of Belleville, IL:
“When I was a kid my father said to me, ‘You’re too damn big to be going trick-or-treating. You’re done.’ When that doesn’t happen, then that’s reason for the city governments to intervene.”
Thank God the government’s stepping in to keep the youth of America on the right track.
Old, young, clever, or just plain ol’ slutty, I hope you have a fun and candy-filled Halloween. Because if you’re going to end up in jail for anything, it should be that you’re too old to be dressed as Honey Boo Boo.
When it comes to toppings, I am–for better or worse–a believer in the “more is more” mantra. And let’s face it: While the meat and spices are clutch, it’s the toppings that really define a burger. And we mastered it all from kneading to eating in our dinner last night. I couldn’t even get my burger to stand up for more than 10 seconds without toppling over.
Now, I know at this point you’re quoting that Wendy’s commercial and asking, “Where the heck’s the beef, woman??!” Maybe it’s because I grew up in a health-conscious household. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman so I’m too delicate and calorie-conscious to indulge in red meat. Or maybe it’s because I just love ground turkey so darn much that I try to finagle it into any meal I can. Whatever the reason, I chose turkey. I encourage you to substitute as you see fit.
But turkey will still taste better.
Hungry Man (Turkey) Burger
**makes 4 servings (or 3 if you’re my REALLY hungry boyfriend)**
- 1lb ground turkey, defrosted
- 1/4 of a small yellow onion, finely chopped
- tsp garlic salt
- tsp ground pepper
Toppings (vary according to taste):
- Whole wheat hamburger buns
- Fresh avocado, sliced
- Beef tomato, sliced
- Red onion, sliced
- Dill pickles (I used the long sandwich slices to help them from slipping out)
- Spicy brown mustard
- Raw spinach leaves
- Knead all patty ingredients in a large bowl until thoroughly mixed.
- Divide mixture into 4 balls (or 3 if you’re an extra hungry man) and smoosh to form patties.
- Grill or cook on oiled skillet until grey throughout (about 10 minutes–the thicker the patty, the longer to cook).
- While burgers are cooking, fry bacon on skillet until crispy (about 7 minutes).
- Drain bacon fat from skillet into disposable glass jar (to prevent blockage in sink). Use bacon fat residue to toast hamburger buns to a golden brown (about 4 minutes).
- Plate cooked patties on buns and add bacon and all other toppings.
- Attempt to put it in your mouth.
It’s fall. The morning drive to work is alive with the glow of the changing leaves, but it’s already dark by the time I get home, which means I’m ready to melt into a recliner and order in. But my wallet–and colon–can only handle so much of that delicious trash.
Salmon pie is a perfect solution. It only takes 30 minutes and will get you through three meals, easy. I always knew it as a tasty tradition passed down from my French-Canadian mémère but recently found out variations of it are popular in British and Eastern European kitchens, too.
Will it make the cut in yours?
**makes 8 servings**
- Pour salmon into a bowl and mash with a fork until uniform.
- Add mashed potatoes to salmon.
- Place one pie crust into glass pie plate (no grease needed). Add salmon/potato filling.
- Place pie crust over filling and pinch top and bottom crusts together to seal and cut slits for ventilation. Cover crust edges with tin foil.
- Bake at 450° for 10 minutes.
- Remove foil. Bake 350° for 20 minutes.
- Put it in your mouth.